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Please turn in a Bible to the place where it is written, "Likewise ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands." There are, it seems, particular passages in
God's word that are perhaps more controversial and difficult to discuss than others. The above passage is evidently one of these difficult passages. It is a passage that few will address in detail, especially as one's particular
focus for discussion. There is perhaps good reason for such hesitantcy. Many men have attempted to use this passage, and similar passages, to selfishly control and manipulate women, while themselves not properly
considering their own marital responsibilities. Many women have therefore come to view this passage as inconvenient or troublesome, bitter and resentful at the thought of being called to focus on it, feeling a bit vulnerable and
fearful. It is not easy to submit to another, to serve another human being, especially one who does not care for you. Why then call your attention to this text in order to focus on it? Perhaps because so few are
willing to do so... and thus lose the benefit intended therein. Certainly, no husband is worthy of what God commands a wife to be. Yet God does call her, not because her husband is innately worthy, but because He is
somehow pleased to do so... and He is worthy of it.
So, let us begin safely, with some facts. There are three passages in God's Word that address the mutual responsibilities of husbands and wives: Ephesians 5:22-33,
Colossians 3:18-19 and 1st Peter 3:1-7. Each passage addresses the wife first and then the husband. Each passage tells the wife essentially the same thing: she is to be subject to her husband.
In Ephesians God states that the wife is to be subject to her husband as the Church of Jesus Christ is subject to Him. He directs the wife to yield to the headship of her husband in everything. God concludes by instructing the wife
to "see that she reverence (phobeo -- fear) her husband." In Colossians He says the same kind of thing: the wife should submit to her husband. God uses the same Greek word here (hupotasso) as in
Ephesians. God uses this word to describe how a church leader is to have his children... "in subjection
with all gravity." (1 Tim 3:4) God uses this term to describe how He has subdued all things under the dominion of Jesus Christ: "Thou hast put all things in subjection under his feet." (Heb 2:8)
Our God says the same in 1st Peter 3:1, where we began: "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands." Here He exhorts the woman to have a chaste fearfulness about her that is plainly visible to her
husband: "while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear." God calls the wife to a demeanor that is so striking and appealing to her husband that she wins his heart to righteousness... should he be taken
with some obvious fault or sinfulness. She should strive to be meek -- not easily hurt or offended -- and quiet as a manner of life. Toward the end of this passage God indicates that it is appropriate for the wife
to address her husband as her lord. He uses the Greek word kurios, the word He uses hundreds of times to refer to the Lord Jesus Christ, and translated "master" in Ephesians 6:5.
Perhaps in climax, as He concludes 1st Peter 3:6, God indicates that women who do not walk in this way of subjection are not to consider themselves Christians, saying that "as long as ye do well
" a wife should consider herself a daughter of Abraham. The three texts above are not unusual in their content; the entire tenor of Scripture appears to be consistent with them.
In Timothy God explains that a woman is to learn in silence, with all subjection. She is never to take a position of authority over a man or to teach a man with authority, but she is generally to remain silent. Instead of
referring to ancient cultural abnormalities to orient His concern, or excessive disorderly commotions within the church, God states that He has purposefully designed the woman's role this way: He formed Adam first, then Eve. He
adds as further warrant that Eve was deceived, and that she was the first in transgression against Himself. (1 Tim 2:11-14) God introduces such principles by instructing all women to walk in shamefacedness.
(1 Tim 2:9) This word means to have a tender blush in the countenance, as though in the presence of a superior. In Corinthians God says it is shameful
for women to speak in church, and that women are commanded to be... under obedience (hupotasso) in any public meeting. He says this concept is expressed in His Law and that it is binding on the New Testament Church.
He says that this principle is so important that a wife is to wait until she returns home before she asks her husband a question about something taught in a meeting. (1 Cor 14:34-35) We began by looking at
instruction given in the New Testament... where the grace of God and Christian freedom is most clear. What about the Old? In Exodus, in the Decalogue and immediately following it, God speaks of a wife as a servant to her husband,
as his property, embedding this concept in the very first principles of Law. Before the Law, even before the Fall... Adam names his wife: Woman, Eve. Elsewhere in the Word of Truth, when someone names
another... it is evidently an expression of possession, ownership, authority, and dominion... (R.C. Sproul, Renewing Your Mind, 2003) as when parents name their children.... or when Christ gave new names to His
Apostles... and as He does to each one of His saints. (Rev 2:17) Eve was made explicitly for Adam... before the Fall. The very purpose of her existence is defined in her creation... before
sin entered into the world. Woman is taken from Man for Man. (1 Cor 11:8-9) God applies this simple principle repeatedly to orient domestic, religious, and cultural behavior.
The above statements are facts, friend. What shall we do with them?
No godly soul can but tread such holy ground in dread. It is so very easy for immature foolish men to swagger into this place... to be served. And it is so very easy for women to walk
away in disgust. What has the eternal Godhead done... my friend... in commanding such a thing as this? that a wife be in subjection
to her husband? He has placed His own lovely daughters, in their unspeakable beauty and delicate tenderness... at the disposal of untempered sinners. As in the sending of His own dear Son to endure our callous
ways, to the point of letting us trample Him underfoot, perhaps He has did a similar thing first in placing Woman in her role. What moves the God of heaven to do such things? The mystery of love, as well the awe of impending judgement, are perhaps their deepest here. One might suppose that the God of
love could not possibly have intended what He has evidently spoken. Most cannot dispose of it quickly enough... should they ever begin to understand it. But God is not without appropriate and wondrous design in all His ways...
including this. Rather than ignore what He has done, or attempt to deny or subvert it, I call you to pursue Him here in careful wonder... to discover more of His wisdom, perfection, beauty and purpose. In so doing we find ourselves... indeed... in rare and intermittent company.
In the spring of 2001, as I listened to a famous
Christian financial expert taking calls on live Christian radio, a woman called who was in conflict with her husband over a decision concerning his work. The wife related that her husband wished to leave his current
job, take a job with less compensation that he felt he would enjoy more, and have the wife go to work outside the home to help support the family. They had a young child and the wife wished to stay at home, but the husband wanted
the child in day care while his wife worked to supplement his income. She did not want to leave the child in day care, she felt that neither she nor her husband would be comfortable on the reduced salary if she did not work, and
she was calling the counselor for his advice. Without any hesitation at all the host advised this woman to resist her husband. The advisor stated that she was correct in her desire to remain at home with her young
child and that her husband was being irresponsible in the matter of this job change. The advisor instructed the wife to tell her husband that she would only agree to cooperate with him if he would be willing to live for four months
on the equivalent of the reduced income and try it out with her before he gave up his present job. Only then – if she consented after the four-month trial -- should her husband be permitted to make the change.
Under no condition was the woman advised that she should go to work and leave her child at day care as her husband wished; this was not considered an appropriate outcome of the trial period. She was told that no major decisions in
the home were to be made unless both she and her husband were in complete agreement on it. She was offered materials and literature to assist her in following through with this course of action, and the counselor was more than
willing to speak directly with the husband on national radio and tell him the same thing before the Christian public. It seemed implicitly understood that any reasonable Christian pastor would have counseled this
woman similarly and that she could obtain equivalent encouragement practically anywhere in this effort to resist her husband. Indeed, there was no hint that this counselor was countering the normal standard of the Word of God or of
the church in his advice, but the whole of it appeared to be offered as wholesome and godly counsel to the wife in her dilemma. No one called in to the talk show host to disagree with him.
No biblical texts were offered in support of the advice he gave. ------------- As I sat in a marriage conference the summer of
2001, I listened to a renowned pastor tell how he was called to the home of a couple in the midst of separating. The wife was packing her bags and the husband was in a panic. The pastor arrived at the home, and was passionately
informed by the wife how she had lived in destitution with her husband for many years... with him controlling her every move. She had been reduced to begging for the car keys whenever she wanted to go about town, and to begging for
money whenever she wanted any small thing. She was told when to go to bed, when to rise, what to cook... and that afternoon she had happened upon one of her husband's bank statements. She had had no idea that they were... wealthy. Just one of the husband's bank statements reported a balance in excess of one hundred thousand dollars. The wife was exploding in exasperation. The husband looked to this pastor for help: "Tell my wife... " The pastor, author of a very conservative book on the biblical foundation for marriage (Marriage On The Rock), who ministers on national television restoring God's design for the marriage relationship, who has
helped many thousand's of couples avoid divorce... looked alarmingly at him. "Sir, you have a BIG problem on your hands... and if I were you I would do something about it right now! I would not blame this woman at all if she left
you. I'd not blame her one little bit! She has as much right to all this money as you do!" This was his simple counsel. It worked. The pastor happened upon the couple in a restaurant several weeks
later. The husband was not at all pleased to see him and was obvious about it. The wife was delighted, however, and informed the pastor that they were doing quite well. She was spending a LOT of money! and very
glad to be doing so... much to the pastor's pleasure. This minister of the Word of God gave no compelling biblical text to justify his counsel. No one in the conference challenged him. ------------- A friend of mine went to his pastor... my pastor, at the time... for counseling on behalf of his wife. She was not interested in serving
her husband or obeying him, and my friend wished for her to serve him and obey him as the Scriptures teach. He was hoping our pastor would counsel with his wife and give her sound instruction in her proper duty in the home, for she
refused to listen to his own teaching and she would not search the Scriptures for herself. It was in fact both true and well known that a number of women had approached our pastor with similar complaints against
their husbands, accusing their husbands of emotional neglect, insensitivity and harshness. Without exception, these women had been offered great encouragement and their husbands soberly counseled and warned. Our pastor had openly
confronted a number of men in this regard and had counseled them plainly after the words of God to walk in love with their wives, to give them honor as unto the weaker vessel and to cherish and nourish their wives unconditionally
as Christ does the Church. What was my pastor's response to this man's unusual request? Instead of approaching the wife, my pastor openly scolded my brother for his selfishness, reprimanding him for his
insensitivity and cold-heartedness. My pastor never once spoke with his wife. Rather, my pastor gave this husband instruction in how to minister to and serve his wife, as Christ serves the church (as he told him), and informed him
that this was his most important task in life. He stated that all of the problems in his home and his wife's unhappiness were entirely his own fault, and that he was evidently a selfish and ungodly example in his home. He told the
husband that until he would give himself to ministering to the needs of his wife in a godly way, he should not expect things to get any better, but to get even worse. My pastor assured my friend that if he would
sacrificially and unconditionally minister to his wife that she would gladly fulfill her roll and that their home would then become happy, peaceful and orderly. But, should she not respond for some reason, he was to continue in
this selfless service to her unconditionally for the rest of his days. My friend did not tell me this story... my pastor told me himself... with an apparent sense of bewilderment and dismay that any
man familiar with the Word of God could be so blind and selfish as to have asked him for such help. ------------- As difficult as these subjects plainly are, shouldn't we be honest with the Word of
God, even amidst such powerful and universally accepted sentiment? Perhaps... you think not. The cost is certainly great... and our foes intimidating and intense. Truly, what is to be gained from meddling in such
things? Asked another way: What is the ultimate cost of neglecting... any truth of God? Freedom. I once ventured into the lush halls of a prominent evangelical church in Solon, Ohio, home of a renowned pastor
whose radio teaching I have very much enjoyed. I was in town on business and dropped by one Wednesday evening, hoping to make some convenient acquaintance. There was no hustle and bustle of a mid-week service, the
empty halls spotted here and there with a soul or two. As I perused a well-decked bulletin board, an elder of the church approached and introduced himself. He had little time, on his way to an elder's meeting, but evidently noticed
my out-of-place-ness and was drawn to me. We spoke briefly and openly for a moment. The fact that this man was not a novice was immediately evident to me; he was seasoned in the things of God. I briefly mentioned my
concerns with domestic chaos... and this man startled me. He said something... with persuasion... that I had never heard anyone else say, something I had never read... something I thought no one else would ever say.
This elder had noticed that the three primary biblical texts on marriage consistently address the wife first, before addressing the husband. He stated that God's purpose in this is to emphasize the role of the wife and lay it out
as a foundation for the home. He then proceeded to state that if a woman is not obedient to the Lord in her marriage the husband will find it difficult, if not impossible, to function in his role. I was taken aback
by his directness and simplicity. I was encouraged enough to venture that this man might actually be one that understood something of God's order in the home. I stepped out... farther than I had ever done in public conversation in
this context. Agreeing with his statement, as if in passing, I said the word... "subject..." as I noted the wife's duty to her husband. The elder perceptively caught my use of the word and promptly, gently,
and firmly corrected me -- as he would tenderly correct any earnest babe in Christ that has miss-stated some precious truth: "No. God's Word never tells a wife to be subject to her husband; He merely tells her to
submit to him. There is a vast difference between submission and subjection." I had already connected with this dear brother heart to heart in our brief encounter; I was looking into his
eyes and he into mine. I could not easily avoid being direct and open with him. I responded in kind, with just a hint of emphasis, "It says, 'As the Church is subject
unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.'" Words are inadequate to describe what transpired as we looked into each other. It was as though he had never read those words before... like
a surgeon noticing his own fingers for the very first time. He did not appear to make any attempt to hide from the reality of this as it penetrated him, and he stood speechless. I continued gently, "This truth has
been neglected to the great peril of our families, yet few, if any, will speak to it today because it will cost so much to do so. Men and women are needed who will count the cost, stand in the gap, and restore this truth to the
church." He seemed touched, nodding quietly in agreement with every word. ------------- How is it... that a seasoned pastor of a conservative evangelical church, one who has apparently thought deeply about marital truth, one who persuasively offers the most conservative
public statement I have ever heard any other human being make concerning the centrality of the role of the wife... how can such an one entirely miss the very kernel of the truth of which he spoke? How can
such an earnest shepherd of the flock of God... not only miss the core of this truth, but how can he openly contradict it and deny it... the very first
principle of marriage presented in these texts he knows so well... and not even realize that he is doing so? How can even one saint possibly give their very life to minister to troubled marriages... with a
passion to be faithful to God in this day of domestic chaos... and miss this simple concept? Please help me understand... how whole generations of such ministers can do so?
...any more than a medical surgeon can notice his own fingers for the first time... Dear reader, isn't something wrong here? Regardless what we have come to think in our enlightened day, if God has
truly given husbands legitimate authority in marriage, then convenient neglect of that authority, yea and all rebellion against that authority, opens the door to satanic intrusion into the home, corrupting the very foundation of
the family, the church, and of society as a whole. This is not a matter of opinion; this is a fact. We touch on no small thing... we ponder here the very core of all social and domestic structure. If any truth
needs to be spoken in gentleness, in humility and in love... it is this one. One must consider that it has not been so very long since the balancing principle of husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church was so very
urgently needed, and quite universally ignored by selfish complacent men. It has only been in the wake of militant feminism that this subject has caught our eye, enabling some of us to limp along a bit farther, and keep the family
unit together somewhat now that women have largely abandoned their role in the home. In such a place it does require deep humility, sensitivity and patience to present the truth appropriately. If there is anyone more qualified than
myself to speak of these things... please do. As so few appear to be willing to do so, I will try... so help me God.
When I search the Scriptures for God's mind on this thing, I do not find what the churches teach today. I do not find popular evangelical opinion upheld at all. I
find something very, very different. I cannot, in all good conscience, say it more leniently. I wish it were not so. As I disclose what I do
find to you, I ask of you only one thing: please here me out and evaluate this honestly for yourself. Please take off the blinders for just a moment and soberly ponder the Words of God... just as they are written. If you do not agree with me then pray and study until you can show me why... from the Word of God. If you cannot disagree with me, then agree with me... stand humbly, trembling with me in this lonesome place, live according to the truth yourself and teach others what you have found. Is that too much to ask? For the love of God...
Is it? One cannot begin such a topic without
immediately hearing, "But what about the husband? What about mutual submission?" Yes, yes... the husband. He does have a duty in the marriage to be sure, just as the wife. But is it appropriate (apart from
extreme situations) to think that the husband's duty depends on the performance of the wife? Most can see that we should not do this. So then, the natural question follows, "Is it appropriate to think that the wife's duty depends
on the performance of her husband?" The answer should be the same. The duty of the wife is generally independent of her husband's performance and should be fully understood. The common reluctance to do so is indeed significant. There certainly is a place to discuss the husband's duty and many do so appropriately, apart from the duty of the wife as a topic in itself. The duty of the wife may certainly be discussed in such a manner. From what
I can see in common evangelical literature this critical topic is not covered well. This is, therefore, my present purpose. So, initially, let us firmly establish this concept: What is appropriate behavior for the
husband is a very different subject than the duty of a wife. Let us take for granted here that it is God's ideal for a man to take one woman as his wife and to rejoice with her as his bride for life, cleaving to her alone and
taking no other. We accept common teaching that it is the duty of a husband to love his wife deeply, to sacrifice for her, to respect her, to provide for her generously and to protect her.
In fact, it is also the husband's duty to submit
to his wife... in the same way that he would submit to anyone else in the church -- be it another man, child or another woman. There certainly is a sense in which mutual submission is essential in a community of believers. This is clear from Ephesians 5:21, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God."
We know that it is a godly thing for a man to cherish and nourish his wife as Christ loves and cherishes and nourishes His Church. A husband is, by very definition, a cultivator... and cultivating -- husbandry --
takes hard work. Every husband has a tremendous responsibility in his marriage and family and his work is certainly cut out for him. There is no want of sound teaching on these subjects in our day. It is not my purpose to discuss
these topics here. What is before us to consider is an entirely different subject: the duty of a wife. What is her duty when her husband is godly? What is her duty when her husband does not follow the ideal? What
should she do if her husband is quite ungodly? Given a specific error in the husband, what does God require of the wife? This alone is the godly counsel and encouragement to her whenever a married woman approaches another
for marital counsel. We should, for completeness, certainly also look at the extremes of domestic sin through God's eyes, according to His Word, and understand the limits of what God calls a married woman to endure.
We must establish when divorce is appropriate, and we must explore and understand God's commands to the wife in all of the relevant conditions pertaining to these limits. This topic seems larger in scope than the purpose of this
present work, and so is addressed in the article So, I do. The Way of the Lord Applying God's Word to our lives requires wisdom. The Bible must be taken in its entirety, and significant cultural differenced must be taken into account. If we contemplate the harshness and unreasonableness of wicked men, and meditate upon the injustices committed against women in patriarchal societies in order to justify departure from the standard of God and improve the lives of women, we will not redeem such men... nor truly improve the lot of women. Departing from God's ways will only decimate the home and bring further ruin to the lives of all. God's commandments are not grievous and following them ourselves when others do not is not only best for all in this life, it is eternally best for us as well. However, if we apply them blindly, without compassion and wisdom, we can also miss the mark quite painfully. We must humbly commit the keeping of our souls to God in well doing, even in the face of wickedness, as unto a faithful Creator... One that knows what He is doing and loves us deeply. In any wicked and adulterous generation the culture strays from the truth. Bringing
those who come to faith from such a culture into complete alignment with the truth takes time and should generally be done by degrees, considering their frame. In our present context, western culture is extremely feministic: women
do not come to marriage with biblical expectations or orientation. Bridging the gap between cultural moorings and biblical health will often require significant changes deep within, in both men and women. Allowing for such a
transition rather than demanding immediate compliance is an art, not a science. Ultimately, deep dependence upon the Holy Spirit's guidance, and understanding the mercy of God, is an absolute necessity.
Let us consider biblical responses to the above scenarios, and begin with the wife of the As I hope to show from further exposition of Scripture, the Lord's counsel is for such a woman to continue to submit to her husband's domination for Jesus' sake, and to seek God for grace to do so cheerfully, as
unto the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. She should have been encouraged to pray diligently for her husband that God would give him repentance to be hospitable and generous with God's provision for their family. This wife should have
won her husband to the truth with obedience, not with rebellion. In my opinion, this comforted wife likely has her only reward... and the pastor that enabled her likely has his. (Matt 6:2,5,16) What
of the brother who wished for his pastor to reprimand his wife for her evident lack of subjection to him? Was it inappropriate for him to take his concern to the church? Was he being base and selfish in this? If this were two
parents seeking help for a rebellious child, or a woman in an emotionally abusive marriage seeking counsel, would we react differently? Are not pastors commanded to "warn them that are unruly?" (1 Thess 5:14) Is a man wrong to be
concerned that his wife is out of place in his home, that she is being a poor example to his young children and teaching them badly through a life of rebellion? What was the approach of the great Husband, the Lord Jesus Christ, to
His bride when she strayed from her devotion to Him? Did He not say to five of His seven churches, "Repent?" (Rev 2:5, 16, 22, 3:3, 19) Why is it that most modern shepherds are unwilling to say this to a cold, stubborn wife? Again, reconsidering the woman whose husband wanted her to work outside the home so that he could change jobs, as I trust to show you from the Word in exposition following, t She should have been asked if she had in any way usurped control of the family finances, or of how their children were currently being raised, and exhorted to repent before God and her
husband from any domination in the home and to yield back all control of the family that she had wrested from her husband. She should have been encouraged to meekly ask her husband's forgiveness for any defiance of his leadership
in any matter of their lives together in which he felt constrained or manipulated by her in any way whatsoever. This woman should have been asked if her husband's approval had been obtained for her to call the
counselor for advice. If not, she should been gently admonished for going above her husband's authority and position in the home and exposing him publicly in such a manner. She should have been encouraged to take any further
questions that she might have had about the proper use of their finances and the care of their children – or any other subject of concern to her husband -- primarily to her husband. She should have been instructed to go beyond her
husband in seeking advice and wisdom only as it pleased him for her to do so, keep him informed of whatever she found, and ultimately defer to his judgment in all things in their home that were not blatantly dangerous, immoral or
sinful. She should have been exhorted to seek her heavenly Father for ideas and wisdom to live much more frugally and to faithfully encourage her husband that she would be willing to live well within their reduced
income should he change his mind about her working. She should have been encouraged to strive to remove any question in her husband's mind that she would not be happy and content with the lower standard of living, having need for
only proper nourishment and clothing to keep heathy, warm and modest. All that said, she should finally have been told, "As you do this, look earnestly for work according to your husband's desire and leave the
entire matter in the hands of God… speak no further to your husband about this at all unless he himself initiates the conversation." Astonishingly perhaps, it is also true that if in any manner a woman in one of our
stories had been deeply averse to following the way of God, had it actually been revealed to her, she should have been soberly counseled to examine herself whether she be in the faith or not... to seek the face of God and verify if
she indeed possessed a genuine experience of salvation. (2 Cor 13:5) This matter of subjection is so fundamental in God's call to obedience in a woman that any woman who refuses to walk therein as a manner of life evidences a lack
of being And how often do you suppose that such advice as I propose is actually given? How often are women encouraged to be subject
to their husbands in a truly biblical manner? How often are they rebuked, admonished or disciplined by our churches for their refusal to do so? I do not think it is very often. Do you? And how is the advice given
by the church consistent with the Word of God, which instructs a wife to be in subjection to her husband, to fear him, and to submit herself unto him as unto Jesus Christ?
How is the advice I propose contrary to any biblical instruction given to a wife? Even though it be deemed by many an unpleasant subject, isn't this an extremely relevant and practical topic to consider? Granted: no
husband is worthy of such a thing as we propose. Yet, wouldn't it completely renew the rotten fabric of our families, churches and culture if Christian women were simply willing to obey God? As the professing church
largely ignored widespread injustice toward women for so very long, so now the pendulum swings to the other extreme. Neither extreme is a good place to rest. Finding wholesomeness by walking in all of God's revelation rather than
cowing to cultural prejudice is where true happiness and joy will lie for all. I do admit this is challenging. Please bear patiently with me for the Lord's sake. |
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